To say Elliot walked into the glasses store with a sense of trepidation would be an understatement. Everything was white and razor thin: the walls, the counters, the fitting chairs, even the singular Employee who managed the service automatons. Standing on the threshold, a white faux fur rug—perhaps the only soft object to be seen—Elliot glanced diffidently about the neatly arranged walls of glasses, but upon seeing the Employee striding abruptly toward him he quickly put on what he hoped was an expectant air.
“You strike me as a first time customer. May I assist you?”
The Employee was a tall man whose sharp frame, alleviated only by his earnest expression, somewhat discomfited Elliot, as if he was a mouse being addressed by a tidy white barn owl. Nevertheless, Elliot was determined to get what he had set out for. He had finally saved up the necessary amount of money, which his parents had agreed to match, so he could not retreat now. Continue reading
I’ve been a patron of the internet for many years now, and something I’ve noticed is the overwhelming amount of artsy inspiration that gets shared around. It’s great and all, but our culture is rapidly becoming oversaturated with these messages of careless optimism that someone created two minutes earlier on their iPhone while crying over the end of How I Met Your Mother.
I understand that we can always use a little positive encouragement, but life advice is a two-way street. Sometimes with all those fuzzy feelings we need a little drop of cynicism to give things some color. A 150 count telescoping tower of Crayola Crayons amount of color (it exists). Continue reading
Clever, creative writing is a social minefield. It’s hard enough to get people to like you in person much less getting them to like you using words alone. Succeed and you will be loved by many; fail and you’ll get your legs blown off… metaphorically of course. But then again, this is the internet.
Anyway, many famous authors will say that you have to put in some elbow grease mixed with a little luck before you become popular, and by and large that’s true. But writing is like baseball. You could combine talent and self-discipline to reach the top, or you can just shoot up horse steroids until your testicles look like raisins. That’s what this article does. Continue reading
Lucia’s been bragging in the girls’ bathroom again about her latest score at Goodwill: a cute floral maxi dress, two more oversized sweaters, a leopard print clutch, and a long black blazer all for only $23. She even mentioned that she was going to blog about it later tonight, pretentious little priss. Lucia goes through boys faster than tampons during her period, but despite it all, you’re forced to admit she knows how to pinch a penny.
Well what she doesn’t know is that the thrift store fashion craze that’s been sweeping middle-class suburbs near you is no longer haute couture, or at least it won’t be after you show up in this avant-garde ensemble: Continue reading
Life is hard. It’s okay to admit it because we can all relate. Maybe you said “Thanks, you too!” again after the theater usher told you to enjoy the movie, or maybe you only got six likes on your last Instagram pic. Either way, sometimes things just feel hopeless. And that’s when you see this joker on someone’s shirt:
You can barely afford your monthly payments of child support much less go scuba diving while sporting a smile that would impress the real Joker. But resist that urge to light the office optimist on fire and realize that help is on the way. And all that’s required of you is basic literacy. Continue reading
By May June
Our society is full of artificial norms and fake standards. Whatever is attractive is whatever you’re not. Whatever is normal is whatever you’re not. Whatever is popular is whatever you’re not. Whatever is ideal is whatever is impossible.
Despite this, people are going to judge. You can’t stop them. But you can stop caring. Instead of worrying what others are going to think, embrace your quirks and guilty pleasures.
Surround yourself with people who love you for who you are and screw the haters. You should never have to start a sentence with, “No judgment, but…”
Be unique. Be spontaneous. Be free. If you’re not going to be you, then who will?
To get you started, here are 8 things you should embrace and never have to hide. Enjoy! Continue reading
Henry Wernholm is a husband, cyclist, writer, and public accountant. But he has a shocking story that has everyone talking. Find out why below.
I have a confession to make. I’m dating someone even though I’m married.
Her name’s Sarah. I met her at a road race a couple weeks ago. I could feel my pupils dilate as I saw her fill her water bottle at a fountain. I thought to myself, “No Henry, you know you’re already taken. You can’t cheat on your wife.” But Sarah was too much. I swept my conscience under the rug and started a conversation with her. Now we’re dating on the side, and my marriage has never been better. Continue reading